If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes
and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are
talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF
PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its
IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow
up your date!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better
Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal
to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad...Are you really
bad?
The more you complain, the longer God makes
you live.
Hang up and drive.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump
and spill your drink.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up
on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Remember half the people you know are below
average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed
how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't
expect it back.
Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal
in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made
of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture
some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play
poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure
in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your
body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional
to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
of the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary
to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your
life.
You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there
is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll
have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of
a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be
a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand ...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye
opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
isn't for you.
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put in your two cents, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does
it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called
a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite
things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific
mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence
in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles,"
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
I started out with nothing...I still have
most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all
bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body
is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially
unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get
wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look
too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one,
stop digging.
I tried to get a life once, but they were
out of stock.
I went to school to become a wit, only got
halfway through.
It was all so different before everything
changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just
terminate and stay resident.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Benton.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could
use a few.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents
in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does
include a free trip round the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your
door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would
have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell
and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the
way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're
wearing your seatbelt.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick
and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking
other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client
has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
Many people quit looking for work when they
find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't
have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading
my hard disk?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's
gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the
dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible
ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to
bare arms!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes
got stuck in my nose.
What hair color do they put on the driver's
license of a bald man?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they
call it FED UP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
I believe five out of four people have trouble
with fractions.
If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would
they charge it with battery?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with, "Quit while you're a ahead"?!
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
I must always remember that I'm unique, just
like everyone else.
I think everyone has a photographic memory;
it's just that some of us don't have film.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where
does baby oil come from?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality
check?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton
Tea Company?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they
pack it in?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Whatever happened to preparations A through
G?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked
me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an
hour before getting OUT of the water?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy
and go well with brie.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The best way to save face is to keep the lower
part shut.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call
what they do "Practice"?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's
left.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change. He who laughs, lasts.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never
opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill
them.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the
wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she
left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in
a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin'
hard enough!
Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal
In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made
of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture
some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do
as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...
coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back
so many memories.
There's a fine line between fishing and just
standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges
didn't live there?
The other day I went to a tourist information
booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble
with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I
said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his
ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The
people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room
is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse
stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The
mime who lives next door complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there
phone bills?
And another thing - Why don't sheep shrink
when it rains?
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.
If you make it idiot proof, someone will make
a better idiot.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded Firehouse?
Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the
law!
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Common Sense Isn't.
Money: The Mint makes it first, and we try
to make it last.
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose
nut between the chair and the keyboard.
It may be that your sole purpose is to serve
as a warning to others.
A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what
do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses,
and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one
hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes
go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens
to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written
on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor
but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when
smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her
nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something
by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs
look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are
you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called
a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
My school colors were "clear".
I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having
a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I used to work in an orange juice factory,
until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until
I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't
cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add
a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't
cut the mustard
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the
patients.
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things
from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid
question.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this hand
basket?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in
Reverse?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most
of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those
who don't.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically
challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on
the June Flower.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.
Before they invented drawing boards, what
did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the
rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why
is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have
to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you
still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have
you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead
of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't
shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because
of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand
basket?
If the black box flight recorder is never
damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of
the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles
of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why
do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because
he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery
numbers, why are they all still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn
victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"
to have a "S" in it?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone
now.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to
have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at
the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Power outage at a department store yesterday,
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without
getting wet?
There's a fine line between fishing and standing
on the shore looking like an idiot.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot
'em
Everywhere is walking distance if you have
the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real
foot.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe
lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every
time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers
done.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I had a dream that all the victims of The
Pill came back....boy, were they mad!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You
can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
I filled out an application that said "In
Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to
do?
I bought some powdered water....but I didn't
know what to add.
If you take a oriental and turn him around
so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over
backwards.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT
press? I don't get it...
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox
machine.
If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody
laughs, was it a joke?
Are female moths called myths?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past
those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you
use too much artificial sweetener?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal
killer?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job
is a crime?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do boxer shorts box?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know
the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do television evangelists do more than lay
people? --Stanley Ralph Moss
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to
shoot a mime?
Do you realize how many holes there could
be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does an analyst have to be anal? --Adam Rifkin
Does killing time damage eternity?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you ever wondered?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your
bagpipes?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from
brown cows?
How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How dead is the Dead Sea?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow
road sign?
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign
on the grass?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy
unless you’ve tried some of the others?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible
ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should
be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always
die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get
to work in the mornings?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight
bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go
to heaven?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a
woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn't know how
old you was? --Satchel Paige
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a
year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone
just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a fly has no wings would you call him a
walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food,
what does a word processor do?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can
he still hear his walkman?
If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer?
--Steven Wright
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what
is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a
ham-hock?
If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice,
is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a
noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth
scream out in pain?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless
or naked?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does
absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer
If all the nations in the world are in debt,
where did all the money go?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts
get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to
buy all her friends?
If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in
a beeiary?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't
deaf people wear earmuffs? --Steven Wright
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we
still pet them?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters
fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If everything is part of a whole, what is
the whole part of? --Ashleigh Brilliant
If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they
mums?
If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order
of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every
show? --Steven Wright
If God can do anything, can he make a rock
so big he can't lift it? --Steven Wright
If humans get a charley horse, what do horses
get?
If humans have nightmares, what do horses
have?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they
make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut
butter, then what are Girls Scout cookies made out of?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened
to the rabbit?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If superman is so smart why does he wear his
underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why
do the whales look like the way they do?
If the funeral procession is at night, do
folks drive with their lights off?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
--Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons
don't fill in?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a
club, can you wave a fan club?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars
have parking lots?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do
it?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they
write like a monkey?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does
it become kitty litter?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of
a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of
light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to
tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll
tell them so?
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking,
why don’t hunters just use flame-throwers?
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem
for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood
Since there is a speed of light and a speed
of sound, is there a speed of smell?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered
by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What are imitation rhinestones?
What do batteries run on?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do sheep count when they can't get to
sleep?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you say if you're talking to God,
and he sneezes?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of
a plane?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s
license of a bald man?
What happens if you're scared half to death
twice?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at
someone, where do you tell them to go?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it
before it was shaved?
What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?
What’s the synonym for thesaurus?
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does
it say?
When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When they first invented the clock, how did
they know what time it was to set it to?
When we say our mind wanders - where does
it go?
Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?
Where did Webster look up the definitions
when he wrote the dictionary?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes
out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Where is Old Zealand?
Which is the other side of the street?
Who killed the Dead Sea?
Why are America’s parks administered by the
Department of the Interior?
Why are raisins called raisins if they are
only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?
Why are there flotation devices under plane
seats instead of parachutes?)
Why aren’t there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
Why can’t you make another word using all
the letters in "anagram"?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes?
Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the
same thing?
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the
same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and
hot dog buns only eight?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't
made for jumping on?
Why do people always remember where they were
when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they’ll need an alibi?
Why do people go to the unemployment office
to find a job?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children"
have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it ‘chili’ if it's hot?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only
get one?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks
you down slowly?
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when
most people get laid on the weekends?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to
tell you how to use it?
Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
Why do they make scented toilet paper?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings
and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in
close-up?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one
goes there to rest?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we kill people for killing people to
show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we
teach them?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game,"
when we are already there?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely
different things?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a
grape?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
--Amboy Dukes
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is clear considered a color?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already
built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still
move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down
the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s
chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty
with childproof bottles?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have
to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking
for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it you must wait until night to call
it a day?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called
a second hand? --Steven Wright
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is your index finger the same size as
your nostrils?
You can't have everything. Where would you
put it?
I didn't fight my way to the top of
the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather
... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile.
You Will Be Assimilated.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see
you working with sub-atomic particles.
As long as there are tests, there will
be prayer in public schools.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values
of 2.
Make it idiot proof and someone will
make a better idiot.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're
still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -
use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize
using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain
of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad
at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they
ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking
the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening
at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with
the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like
my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're
an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my
luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times
I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their
King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how
to fish.
Montana-At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of
the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and
make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in
case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't
handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they
have power surges .
I took an IQ test and the results were
negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in
it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality
check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men
act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy
every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness
pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take
what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately
it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat
better.
According to my calculations, the problem
doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it
is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what
others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with
a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery
guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer
than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something
else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will
make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just
like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends
help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my
clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,
somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between
naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can
count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet
the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't
talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated
but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people
in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize
you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're
listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn
with...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will
fit.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect
at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your
sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax
Audit!
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on
lunch.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can
explain.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more
sleep.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost
plenty.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap,
park elsewhere!
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you
cross the river.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have
to do it.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as
long.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the
book.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure
out the plot.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club
for Men.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
You know you're old when you walk into an
antique store and someone tries to buy you.
"They told me I was gullible...and I believed
them!"
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows
you to lose all your keys at once.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still
growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.
Psychiatrists say that one out of five people
are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you're the one.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable
scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives
stay over.
Yesterday I knew nothing,----Today I know
that.
Smile.... It confuses people!
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not
so sure.
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know
I'm alive. She's thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed.
- Jonathan Colan -
I work very hard- Please don't expect me to
think as well.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight
windows and only four tellers?
Always take time to stop and smell the roses...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Windows: Just another pane.
Two's company.-Three's an orgy.
Wisdom is running after mankind ... but mankind
is quicker!
Knowledge was never known to enter the head
via an open mouth.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't
pick on me.
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
When people run around and around in circles
we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone
as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.
And a word to the ladies about their appearance.
Seems to me, it's far more important to have your "no's" fixed before you
worry about fixing your "nose".
Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband
and children: "Well, I worked out a budget. But one of us will have to
go."
Husband, peering at a stack of bills: "Well,
it's finally happened. There's a payment due on something every day."
Wife to Husband: "All right ! I admit I like
to go shopping and spend money... but name one other extravagance."
Wife to husband, working on budget: "Perhaps
we could borrow a little every month, and put that aside."
Husband to wife discussing dental bills: "Maybe
we get a some kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves."
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough
holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never
got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would
have in-laws.
Birthdays are good for you the more you have
the longer you live.
Joys of Womanhood
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for
they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations
and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't
have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where
they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound
box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have
all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body
fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also
a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes
age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to
show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do
with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My
thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in
your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back
down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or
wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year
older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling
to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate
cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS"
spelled backward?
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